Ted 2

Quotes: « Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event? » « Ted: 9/11! » « Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person. » « John: Robin Williams! » « Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person? » « Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11! » « Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location. » « Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo! » « Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location. » « John: Ferguson, Missouri! » « Ted: Germanwings cockpit! » « Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks! » « Ted: No, you didn't! » « John: Nobody said Starbucks. » « Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks? » « Ted: Bill Cosby! » « Comic: You people are monsters. » « John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy! » [a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything] « John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! » « Ted: We are so sorry! » « Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright – those are the rejected sickle cell samples. » « Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian. » « Customer: Hey. » « Ted: Hello. » « Customer: I have to… I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. » « Ted: Uhhh… Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix. » « Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct? » « Ted: Well… I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b… » « Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law? » « Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No. » « Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble? » « Ted: No. No. You should be fine. » « Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child? » « Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah. » « Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment. » « Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay. » « Customer: And… I won't be followed? » « Ted: No, uh… that's not in our budget here. » « Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today. » « Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ. »